Heart is weakening

Mom, as the days in 2012 passed me by, the harder it gets for me to digest this whole game. 

I am so tired of fighting alone, sounds like giving up.. maybe/yeah/nope I don't even know anymore. 

I am getting older and all I ever wanted at this moment is to live normally & be able to inhale/exhale with no hiccups.

Somehow, I just can't. Handicapped by obstacles. My emotion is hectic inside. I want to find serenity. My serenity is my mom. As she waited for me there, I am struggling alone. Try to gather strength as possible as I could to continue breathing.

I am no longer sure of my existence in the world. Like I used to aim to make my mom proud of me..That's why I didn't register myself as a college drop-out. To find a fine job at established company, to lessen her burden by taking care of her with the salary I earn. To get my master in Econs before I reach 26 and get my PHD done by 35 and be a lecturer. But all those aims are nothing but only a dirty dust. Nothing phenomenal.

To be honest, I am not sure.. anymore  

Salam Maal Hijr

Assalamualaikum to all Muslim and citizen of this universe. Wish all of you Awal Muharram & Happy New Year! Alhamdullillah praise to Allah for giving another year for me to transform my own self to become a better Muslim. I wanted to say a good one but let just start with..better.

To start a new resolution on this Noble day, I guess I have to create new KPIs ..no? or maybe the least I could do is to improve the last KPIs that I set myself last year. Hihi. So I would know the variances & the causes of the variance and what action to take in order to meet the gap right?

On this new year, what I want to do is to get my focus at the right track. Which is onto my career. To deliver a good performance on every assigned tasks, to meet the deadlines, to be disciplined,  positive curve of consistency, meet boss' requirements, meet my own target, be firm & vocal of what I believed in and fast-learning practitioner.

Career done. Now with health. I'll make sure my system is feed with an adequate amount of water, bring umbrella to avoid rain-shower, exercise regularly (Consider done), try to sleep more than 5 hours and less caffeine, this is the hardest thing I hardly giving up on. Honestly!

Security Part: No more playing phone while walking, be more alert, practice in don't believe in stranger and discard world peace no bandits motto while walking to the office & going back home as well, no more eating in the LRT ( malas to create etiquette part), no more crossing the road whenever I think possible (even 100 meters uncertain speed of car also I think sempat), Recite ayat Kursi during the journey and whenever possible, pepper spray, body splash would do kot. (To be add more later on)..Thinking in progress 

MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE IS responsibilities:  where do I start huh? (head scratching) oh okay.. Religious part is not meant to be shared. That would be instilled from within, from me to my Creator. I just pray for my strength to avoid fear, to avoid feeling lost, to avoid myself from giving up without even try, to avoid myself to unnecessary cries, to avoid me from sighing, to keep my feet on the ground, to remember from what I made of, to where I will come back, for what purposes Allah created me, on what purposes I am still alive, to be a good sister to my brother, cousin and everyone. Help those in need, never expect more but aim high, love who hates, continue loving who loves, accept Allah's Qada and Qadar, forgive but never forget, be responsible, be sincere, set my nawaitu in a good manner, start doing follow-ups don't stop half way, etc. I would like to indicate more but I will bore the heck out of you guys.

Life is not about being happy all the time, it is beyond than that. That's why we learn fear, sadness, worries, anxious, nervous, feelingless and many more. Whatever journey Allah put us through, just don't forget to say subhannallah, alhamdullillah. Allah create us for several purposes. One of them to is to be a khalifah. I may not be perfect Muslim/slave but I believe in improving myself to be a better one. Remind me if I "leka"

Thank you for listening confidante(s)! 

That is just beautiful miracle isn't it?

iloveyouAllah, Penawar Bercahaya (Syifa'Unnur)

Never Back Down

OMG! I know2..I am such a terrible blog-writer. I can't believe it's almost 2 months since the last time I post the previous entry. Maybe, now I prefer to talk in a real world rather than here. Of course, lack of ideas and time barrier play the vital role in disabling me to write too.. whatever it is..here I am again

We almost meet Xmas again that finally leads us to New year. The last blog entry about new year (2011) was, I told to Year 2011 to be nice to me. But it happened the other way around, TOTALLY. . This year, to sum it all up.. I would say the most challenging of all years. Lost someones, gain some new ones. Know some. Forget or try to forget some, been robbed by snatch-theft, Went to an event, Celebrate Raya in A diff place compare to past years, I must say Allah really put me into these tests to groom me to be a better human. So yeah, It was challenging. Changed my career path. Made some big decisions. Missed some opportunities.

To see all of these from helicopter view.. I conclude some lessons I've learned. Which are to be strong, adapt-wisely to situation, be rational when instinct isn't working, stop being judgmental towards people/decisions/matters arise etc.  be confident with yourself but not cocky, always ask why (curiosity helps doesn't it?) , be grateful, Look at every problem in a positive side (need to be more analytical on this one), but most of all, hold on to your faith and belief and keep em. Never blame other people of your failure. Try the hardest to make thing at its most productive level it could get.

To be frank, there were like thousand times I feel like quitting everything. But one way for me to get back up is using my inner voice and talk to myself about my value and what/who I am fighting for. I motivate myself by using my own mother as a role model. If she could endure this alone, why can't I?

Life is like a long-term exams. Problems are like your test paper. If you pass the test, Proceed. If you don't and give up.. You'll lose and stuck. So act/answer correctly or give a satisfactory answers to all the paper, think wise before you think twice. 

Thank you for your kind attention.

Warm Regards, 

Syifa Aziz

Thought of the day: I need to improve my discipline in writing this blog :)

Surviving is getting 10 times harder.. Everyday :)

My Repetitive Wonderful Routine

Assalammualaikum,

It's been awhile since I pour my heart out, guess Twitter has supersede E.N.E.R.G.Y.

The truth is, I've been away from my PC for months. Updating my social networking stuffs with mere phone doesn't give me any satisfaction. (The hell Syifa? hi hi)

Talking about updates, I've changed my work already, it's been two months and things seem quite alright. Try to catch up a bit. Even the starting wasn't so smooth but The Almighty helped me through it with style and tawakal. oh ya, do you guys know anything about Corporate Planning & Development? wonder if you guys could share with me some info (maybe exchange ideas would sounds greater)

I'm still trying to put the broken puzzles together, but of course with one important missing piece. Everyday is an emotionally challenge to me.  Only Allah knows how hectic inside and within me. In searching of serenity, I must first REDHA and accept. Maybe only mind which controls relevance accepts. The heart that holds so much memories and unconditional love denies.

Pepatah Melayu: Syurga di bawah telapak kaki ibu. 

So, I didn't really lost my world.. I've lost my heaven.

Love your mom, show it to her, put her first, talk to her nicely, kiss her forehead and say I love you. 

and practice it...daily :) 

P.s- I am currently listening to Fly by Nicky Minaj and my Fav Rihanna! try to chill with the song ok. Love the lyrics!

Your Nothing but the truth

Projek Kumbuhan

Dear Abang,

Harini adek akan beli ubat anti-sumbat dan dawai untuk menjayakan projek de-sumbat toilet kita. Demi menyelamatkan toilet induk tersebut perkhidmatan abang juga diperlukan. Selain itu bahan-bahan lain yang diperlukan adalah sarung tangan dan pewangi sembur. Perlaksanaan projek ini mungkin akan memakan masa selama 2 hingga 3 jam. Your commitment is highly appreciated.

See you tonight!

Warm Regards,
Your Sister :) 

Less Than Love

Dear Me, 

Days pass by so quickly, sometimes so slowly..Taking turn and mould a pattern that I couldn't keep up. Sometimes I could. When everything follows my way.  Standing alone, fighting alone, I am struggling to breathe, just to ensure I am alive and still alive. In the morning, I wake up..Full of routine or maybe deliberately fulfill the routine. Another day, another race, I am tired.. I am. But Alhamdullillah, I am healing everyday. I've gained strength each days. I have no choice, I realize I have no choice but to be strong. So here I am, I MUST stand up and clear my wounds. Leave the scars open, It hurts but it heals. I realize there is no one I could and should rely on in healing myself. Cuz real happiness and full recovery is up to me. I choose not to depend on others. 

Ma,

When I see my hands, I see your hands used to hold 'em and said those words you always said to me.. 

When I see myself in the mirror, I still see you..behind me wearing your fav kaftan, huhu

Ma, When I am home.. There was you sitting on the couch watching Star movies and welcoming me,

Ma, now my tears are more reserved than it used to be.. Less-flowing on the cheeks..but in my heart, still under observation :)

Ma, When I listen to Hilary Duff's song.. I would reminisce your dialogue saying "adek tak habis2 lagu budak montok nie"..and I'd say.."mammiii!" hehhehe and the conversation went on..and on 

Ma, I just miss laughing with you.. hmm, my laugh with you is the most genuine laughter I've ever had..who said I already moved on. I am still here. and always be. Moving on is only for broken-hearted man.

Every time I miss you, my body will turn cold and my eyes will shine (yes, with tears that I hold). Cuz inside, I am fighting with emotion. Wow.. Hard to explain how does it feel on that time. My tired heart sometimes just can't take it anymore. But I need to survive. So I wipe my tears and start over my day with smile. But inside all I am doing is still live with my bestest memories..HER. 

Still Counting x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Disease or just normal

Omg! I am so freaking tired..I wanna go back and sleep the whole day! I feel like my immunity is getting getting GETTING low.. GET it? I x kisah demam tp jangan lesu. sumpah kerja x jalan. Haiih.. Doctor help me solve this problem pleaseee :(

p.s- stole my heart :)